Tell me Goodbye

Nearly 5 months since I've updated, and well, all I can say is...

I honestly thought nobody reads this anymore. Well, except for you, I guess, Mr. Slick. ;) Haha. I've been busy, definitely, but I've also, well, migrated.


Actually, I migrated about a year ago, but I thought I would still be able to commit to this old blog. Guess I'm human like that. And I've deleted the tagboard to make way for a new one here.

That's where you'll usually find me. ;) Not a lot of updates on my life, but I'm planning on rectifying that soon. Hehe. 

As for this; I'm not ready to let it go just yet, so this site will still be here for a while. Until then, see you on the other side.

When sorry was all she had.

A/N: It's unchecked, it's raw, and it was born out of a desire to really put some of these words to good use once more. =) By the way, I'm fine now. =) 

           “Get off the blasted couch and clean the dishes, for goodness’ sake! Do you LIKE hearing me shout constantly?!”

            “Well, to me, Hamlet’s hamartia, is not necessarily his hubris; rather, it is his inactive and passive aggressive behaviour that delays the…”

            “”’Cause this is my story; just the breaking of my heart;””

            “Work done is equals to force in Newton times acceleration…”

            “How the heck do you find the stupid area of this stupid shaded figure?!”

            “Gah, screw differentiation.”

            “Where’s Dad?”

            “”Light up, light up, even if you had no choice, even if you cannot hear my voice;””

            “If I were gay, would you break up with me?”

            “Dear God....”

            “”And no sky contains, no doubt restrains all You are, the greatness of our God;””

            “I didn’t mean it like that!”

            “Sorry =(…”

            Drooping eyes barely making out the words before her; she’s had quite enough of them, for once. She hasn’t any desire to read, despite it being her Achilles’ heel, and she’s feeling lifeless again. She hates going through all of that, because she doesn’t want to go through the pain of dying and the shallow breathing and the profoundly terrible ache in her chest and-

            Really, she’s had quite enough with words today. They’re just not adequate enough. Can’t encompass all of the expressions she’s desperate to let out. It’s taken too literally, and sometimes, just not literally enough.

            She wishes she could go on, because this isn’t enough; it’s too brief, it barely skims the surface, it’s too wide open for interpretation.

            Yet she can’t, because all of her words; they’re taken away from her. Pulled, snatched, ripped from her mouth, her mind, her plastered heart, and she’s got nothing left, when all she ever had were words.

While I brood over Hamlet;

So.

I guess the whole nation is very much aware of the fact that, well, results are out. For O Levels, AS and A2 Levels. That sounds weird, but never mind. And over the past nearly 24 hours, there has been breakdowns, tears of joy, sorrow, regret, rage and probably plain ol' disappoinment and gratitude have been shed. Curses have been uttered, praises accompany them. It's surreal seeing this again. Jolts you into remembering what the future holds; or rather, not knowing what it's got in its hands.

And where do I stand? I guess I expected my results, but didn't exactly expect it as well. I can't say I've done my best; I've probably done worse than ever, in terms of my standards, what's expected of me. But I'm grateful I didn't literally bomb any of them; except for Math, probably. HAHA. Ah well. You wouldn't need Math for either English Studies or Journalism, would you?

I'd probably need a B to get a freaking scholarship, though. Ugh. Hauling ass in order to ace (or not bomb the thing anymore) Math commences.... When I've got my schedule in order and my homework done. Mwahaha. Sometime this week, if all goes well and I've pulled my head out of the pretty clouds and nonexistent rainbows.

Scary. All of it. It's scary. So unclear.

Hamlet and his failure to pull-his-head-out-of-his-butt-to-kill-his-uncle-for-murdering-his-father pales by comparison, honestly. So suck on that, mate.

In the club;

I guess planning way too early, conjuring something way too fixed... Probably isn't a good idea, in retrospect.

When Ches mentioned the policy about UBD regarding its employees (specifically, lecturers), his wasn't the only plan that, well, had some leaks in it. I've had a clear idea of where I want to go, what I want to be, when I was much younger, back when peers still wonder if Economics is more fun than Business Studies or if POA was easier than, say, Computing. Immerse myself in English, be awesome at it, go to UBD, get a scholarship somewhere along the way overseas and come back and work in UBD before I study for PhD again.

I guess life's never as clear-cut as that.

Maybe it's fortunate I hear about it now, before I leave sixth form and become stranded with no place to go, no back-up plan, no idea what God actually has in store for me.

Dad's been giving me some ideas, and it's definitely something I'd like to explore; journalism and editing, I mean. Writing, expressing my opinions, making sure the articles have good English. ;P But I still like to talk; make people see just how cool and complex and imperfect and relevant the language is today. Thus why I don't want to be stuck being a mere teacher in a high school.

Maybe the fact that I want to do something different than them has a pretty big influence in that as well.

I don't know, honestly. All I can do right now is pray some more, trust Him just a little bit more, and do my own part.

Gaggle of people who've no concrete idea what they want to be and are severely running out of time; meet your newest recruit.

I want a Husky. This is Shan Wee's fault. =(

Look at it. It's SO CUTE.

And them!

2011 had a very hectic start; I'm hoping it isn't an omen for the entire year. God (and a whole load of other people) knows just how freaking swamped I was last year with everything. =S If I even bother with making new year resolutions, I'd say being less busy would be among the top three things on the list. But yeah; had the whole PWM thing at CHMS on the 8th (third year for me, methinks) and thank the good Lord that everything went really well for both the caroling and handmime team. =D

Besides that; the school has accepted the Cohort 1 students (January intake) and these poor souls get to get a head start on their education for Lower Six! Oh the joy it brings forth. I started school in January, and I was almost sobbing (not literally, but almost, hence the word almost) for an extension of the holidays. Sighs.

AND THEN, we welcomed (not really, but it's the truth) the Cohort 2 guys and girls and, well, it's been crazy exhausting. I mean, I get tired easily, but the past few days (especially the first few days when they came like hordes of bees) were literally enough to make me fall dead asleep every night. Not that I don't appreciate it. HAHA. 

I look REALLY fair here. Sighs. Wish I really was. T.T

Din! The only guy in school that dares to punch (no, not physically maim) me, I think. HAHAHA. Next to Jeremy. =P

SO difficult finding a picture with the juniors in it. =.=" HAHAHAHA!

Choir.

Such an awesomedary club. =') (Isaac and Dan, if you read this, know that I use this invented word in the best of ways. ;P)

BABI FACE!

Cohort 2's program is STILL ongoing (2 weeks T.T) and AS results would be out soon! =S Sighs. Freaking nervous. But whatever I get, I give it to God. =) Couldn't, wouldn't have done everything without You. 

Besides that; homework's been piling up but HOPEFULLY I'll get to drop EAS and get TWO PS blocks! =D So I can study/revise/play around/work during one and sleep during the other. HEHE. Watched Step Up 3 today! =D Didn't finish because I had to go home early, but yeah. And yes, everyone's said this, but I am in awe of their mad skills. Freakishly mad skills. Robot Man was the best. =D

The SAME exact poster they used for the movie in the LT! =D

His red glasses makes him look like a cyborg. SO cool. =B

Aside from all that, I guess there's nothing more I could type about, honestly. 

To the last.

A/N: Since everyone's writing a review or posting pictures for the last day of the year, I guess I'll just have to be badass-ly different once again and post a story instead. ;) Mind, I haven't written anything this concrete for months, and I can tell I'm rusty in some areas. But despite all the optimism, I hope you enjoy it nevertheless. ;)

Disclaimer: Mine. Except for snow and Coke.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

            Allie glanced at her watch before sweeping her gaze around the small, slightly deserted park, adjusting the strap of her bag on her shoulder. Maybe the people were already celebrating the last day of the year, drinking away their memories and recollections as a sign of welcoming the new year. She frowned a little, adjusting her glasses before spotting a figure lounging on the snow-ridden grass not too far away, auburn hair visible amongst the pure white surrounding it.

            The brunette trudged over, gloved hands in pockets, her jacket enveloping her, wondering absent-mindedly if her redheaded friend was similarly bundled up. For all she knew, the girl had only thrown on a scarf and the first jacket she saw in her haste to get down here. A few more paces and Allie was looming over a small figure lying spread-eagled on the snow, thankfully covered head to toe in a thick, woolly jacket and boots, a bright green scarf covering nearly half her face as brown eyes twinkled back at her.

            “’Sup, fairy princess?” Allie greeted, and plopped down beside her best friend, her bag behind her, smirking. She’d always thought the meaning of her name was completely contradictory to her slightly uncouth behaviour. Perhaps uncouth was a bit too strong; but she’d never seen her act fairy-like in the least.

            “Shut up, noble and exalted one,” Shay retorted, her voice muffled by the scarf. She huffed, and pulled it down, before sticking a tongue out.

            “Doesn’t beat fairy princess.” Allie rolled her eyes, smirking again. Their breaths came out in white puffs of air, winter at its finest. “Ready for another year, mate?”

            Shay pushed herself up, and wrapped her arms around her knees, making her look fragile and vulnerable, unlike the near adult that she was. “I honestly don’t know. It’s like, I’m tempted to live in the memories, not because I’m so reluctant to leave them, but I wonder if... The new ones would be as memorable; as worthy to be created.”

            The brunette snorted, not unkindly, and let out another puff of breath. “I get you. This year’s been... Well, it’s been a lot of things. You know?”

            Her friend nodded. “I guess... It’s been crazy. We discovered our best-friend-ship thanks to a member of the monkey family, got addicted to Dekker, and never failed to get high on those cancerous yogurt sticks, among other things.” She laughed a little, a slight smirk pulling at her lips.

            “Damn yogurt sticks.” Allie agreed, before laughing along. “And don’t forget, ma chérie, that you found something else too.” She winked, rolling her eyes at the innocent look Shay was pulling. “Does mushy, cheesy and sappy ring a bell?”

            “Sorry, no bells on me.” Shay replied nonchalantly, a soft blush permeating her cheeks. “Shut up, dude.” She retorted when Allie started guffawing. “Gosh, I’m pathetic, aren’t I?”

            The younger of the two smirked again, and answered, “Nah; you’ve just gone soft, is all. Like the princess you were meant to be.” At this, the smirk dissolved into giggles as Shay merely rolled her dark eyes, before picking up a handful of snow and flung it smack dab into her best friend’s face.

            “Alright, peace! So touchy. Anyways,” Allie quickly put her hands up in surrender, sticking her tongue out at the snickering redhead. “Any new year’s resolutions, ma chérie?”

            “Besides continuing to be a badass?” Shay raised an eyebrow, a slight smile on her lips now. “I don’t know, man. I’d probably come barrelling into the new year, all blunt and Gryffindor-like and whatnot. And no one ever completes their resolutions; it’s like, an excuse to have a purpose when you don’t know your own.”

            Allie snorted again, before nodding in agreement. “Well, you can’t exactly blame them, I guess,” she replied simply. “But tomorrow’s the new year. Auld Lang Syne and all that. What do you think will happen?”

            The slight smile on Shay’s face became a half-smirk, before it softened. “Aside from finally escaping the bonds of uniform and public exams?” The thought made her stomach tightened in fear and anticipation, but she pushed on. “A lot. That’s all I can say.”

            Allie glanced at the redhead, her face filled with pensive thoughts, before grabbing her bag and rummaging through it, producing two bottles filled with sweet, dark liquid. “Never too late in the year for some Coke, I always say. Well, since today, at least,” she amended unashamedly, and handed one of the bottles to her grinning friend, whose short legs were crossed Indian-style as she sat up eagerly.

            Both girls uncorked the bottles, and clinked them together as Allie said, “To a lot,” before gulping the drink heartily.      

Since I'll be legal in less than 2 weeks and Christmas is ONLY 10 DAYS AFTER THAT...

This automatically gives me a right to post THIS up:

My 18^th-slash-Christmas Wish List 2010

NOTE: I KNOW I probably won't get almost everything, but a girl can dream, right? 

ANYWAYS.

1) A New Laptop:

          I'm sorry, but this has grown from a want, to an almost necessity. My current laptop (bless its decade old hard drive) constantly crashes, had woken up from a couple of comas and deserve its long awaited rest. Seriously. Plus. It's big and bulky and NOT something I'd bring to school unless necessary (like that time when I had my Lit mocks and all my notes were on-WAIT THAT WAS SHA'S LAPTOP. WHOOPS.)

2) An MP3 player/iPod/any easily portable device I can use to listen to music

I know, I know. There's that $36 MP3 in Yayasan somewhere; why not buy that? (Glares at Dad, before sighing in resignation) Ah well. Yes. I'd love one. Dearly. I would give you a big tight hug if you get me one. It is essential for the success of my education that I have one. TEEHEE.

THIS IS REALLY COOL.

3) A New Phone

Sadly, Mommy took back her (unknown and supposed) offer of buying me a C3 when she found out I got a D for my Math. Even after seeing me nab THREE trophies.  AND an ICAS award. Sighs. So yeah. The current phone would probably last for about three months more at the rate I'm abusing it. HEHE. What's worse is that it's a slide phone and I've always had this dread that one day, one drop would just split it apart. O.O

4) The Whole Set Of The Harry Potter Series

Enough said.

5) Cool Stationery

I LOVE cool stationery. HAHAHA. I sound like a retard, but I do. Stickers, colour pens cute little binder animal figures things. 

6) Bags

I'm a girl. This reason shall prevail for the next few things.

7) Tank tops

I like the one on the second from the right. ;D

8) Dresses

It's SO difficult to find dresses I actually like, after all. D= HAHAHA.

9) Colourful Socks

Don't tell me you've never wanted a pair or two! =O

10) Cash

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

11) Credit

Remember last year, Rach? ;) HEHEHEHE.

11) Funky jewellery

Which girl doesn't? Okay, I just realized that sounds EXTREMELY discriminatory, so ignore it. HEHE. I DO.

        

12) Ted Dekker's books

Yes, I've mentioned this before. HAHAHAHA. I'd love to get my hands on a Dekker book someday. Prefereably this one. Ah well.

13) Frank Peretti's books

I've heard of the Darkness books from our very own Sammy Slick, and they sound really, really cool. Hehe.

This wouldn't hurt too badly either.

14) Nail polish

Come to think of it, I don't think I've painted my nails before. O.O Well, I can't remember, anyways. HAHAHAHAHA.

CUTE! Not the colour, the shape. HAHAHAHA.

15) A Super Huge Dollhouse

I'm serious. I asked my Dad once when I was 16 and he went, "Grow up." Only, in a nicer, fatherly way.

16) A Hard Disk/ Big Memory Pendrive

I do. I need this. T.T

17) An Idiot's Guide To Learning Guitar Scales

WAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKA.

(For the record, there is only one God. ;) And He rocks.)

18) Happy Time With The Loved Ones <3

Just to unwind. Relax and just talk and joke and tease.

I heart this picture very much. <3

I LOVE YOU TOO, SHA DONGSAENG! <3

Child Welfare Service! (It's System, actually, but yeah. HAHAHAHA. Gosh...) *HUGS* <3 ;) HAHAHAHAHA!

<3. =)

P.S. Shan Wee and Qeel; we REALLY need to take more pictures together. Sighs. T.T HAHAHAHA.

And that's EIGHTEEN THINGS I want for my Eighteenth and Christmas! =D

P.S. I'll probably edit the colour font for fun when I'm not too busy. HEHE.

Since the laptop fails..

And fails VERY BADLY..

This is for you, dude. ;)

Sometimes...

I forget. I forget that sometimes, other people don't want to be treated the way I'd like to be treated. Sometimes I forget that I'm not like other people. Sometimes I forget that I'm probably not the best representative for everyone. That I like deciphering things. I like guessing things right. I like knowing things without being told outright. I like feeling like I'm not troubling someone to explain something to me. That their effort wouldn't be wasted on me.

I guess... I've been assuming too much.

To be different is a privilege; to be different from so many others is an affliction one bears with a fragile pride.

And so... I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being assumptive. I'm sorry; I'm still learning, still trying to get a good grade in this. Trouble is, I can't seem to determine my scores at all.

I'm running out of things to say.

Could this be the demise of another blog, you say?


No, not really. For now, at least.


Life's been getting slightly... Repetitive, I guess. No, not falling into a rut, thank God. Maybe things are starting to look more familiar again, just with brighter strokes of the paintbrush and bigger words in the story. And I don't mind things being a little different this time round, maybe. It's a little scary, but life is terrifying, when it comes down to bits and things.


So anyways, I'm done with all my exams. NOT. I've two more papers to go through next Wednesday and Friday, and I'll be free. Relatively. But now I'm not so excited. =S Dear God, hopefully things go alright. *scrunches face and closes eyes tight in hope*


But yeah. Screw that for now.


Been going to school just for Socio for the past two weeks or so, but that's gonna change soon, I guess. Starting Math again, tomorrow, maybe. EURGH. Yeah, that is the verbal equivalent of my distaste for said subject. Yech. Sighs. Yeah, I'm at least learning something and all that, but really, Math? 


Did I ever mention how I don't really like window shopping? No? Well, I don't. Not really. But one DOES get tempted when one sees something like this:

I don't care if I sound biased or not, but I LOVE Gryffindor's dress. SO CUTE. And Ravenclaw's boots. I kinda like Slytherin's coat too. And Hufflepuff's cute lil' ring thing. HEHE. By the way, the picture doesn't belong to me. (A) Was just borrowing for some fun. Hehe.


Anyways. It got me onto a string of sites and-I'll stop. Wouldn't wanna embarrass myself any further. =3


So basically, today was a waste of time. Well, most of my time was wasted online, even tonight, but it's okay.

Crap, I haven't even touched my Socio homework.

I'm officially a bimbo. So yeah.

HAHA. I woke up this morning (yes, 11am is STILL morning, can't you see the am at the back?) and showered and stuff, before taking my Mom's laptop and GASP!

ALL MY STUFF WERE GONE!

So I panicked, told some people about it (as in personally; Twitter don't count) and I had actually devised a plan (somewhat) to retrieve my songs, my Student Council things and *sobs* my songs, when out of the blue..

Daddy entered the room. With a new haircut. HAHA.

I don't have a picture of him in the haircut though. Sighs. Ah well. This'll have to do.

Anyways!

He did some thingy majiggy and BOOM! Everything was back! Even my Mom's wallpaper of her and Dad! HAHAHAHA!

Thus is a morning in the life of Sherly.

What have I been up to?

A little mischief, certainly, but all's good. =D


Teehee. But yeah. I'm freakin' done with AS SOCIO, BABY! Sigh. The elation that I feel though, cannot be compared to the day when I will be officially done with Math. Statistics, to be more specific. Hey, that sort of rhymed! 3rd November, mark my words. I'd either have a big crap-eating grin throughout the whole day, or just faint from the exhilaration of it all. HAHA. I like using big words. Well, not so big, but slightly larger than average. =3


Anyways!


My Socio paper was on.. Monday afternoon, yes. Hahaha. Whoops. ()=) Hehe. But yeah. My next paper's on Tuesday, I think, and it's EAS 1, which, hopefully, wouldn't be too difficult.

"Pffft, Sherly. You? English? Difficult? That's like saying I'm thin!" HAHA. Sorry Dal, was just teasing. =3 By the way, you're SO not as fat as you think (say, exclaim, declare) you are. =)

The past two weeks or so have been spent mostly in the Student Council Room-and lemme get this out of the way before I get teary-eyed and stuff; I will SO miss this room when we get evicted. Like seriously; how are we gonna adapt ourselves to the outside world once again?! D=-revising, bumming around, and generally just having a lot of fun with some of the Council members. Hehehe.

Like everyone else, I like this picture the best too. =3 Speaks for itself, it does.

Hehe. Pigged out a lot this week as well; thanks to Lynnie for the ice-cream (and chocolate rice, which I devoured absent-mindedly BUT didn't even get remotely high, probably not potent enough) and ourselves for the bright idea of having Jollibee for lunch one day. Which we did. Yesterday. And I had my beef cheeseburger fix, as well as DQ. <3 Hehehe. Ate like, 4 cones of ice-cream but I didn't get sick! WHOO. Poor Chynna though. =3 TEEHEE. I don't think I'll be eating as much ice-cream in the near future, though. That was really a bit too much, even for someone with a sweet tooth like myself.

I'd have a picture of the boy band too, but alas, we've yet to take one together. Or a name. Wait; didn't Dal come up with something?

My memory is haphazard at times, forgive me.

I know I'm supposed to be cramming for Socio...

... And yet here I am.

I can't bring myself to concentrate, to remember Durkheim and Prout and James and Oakley and James Patrick and Mary McIntosh and Paul Willis and Kingsley Davis and-

The past couple of weeks were... Slightly chaotic, in a sense. It wasn't like I wasn't used to the pandemonium. I've been a student for more than a freaking decade, for heaven's sake. Exams and stress are like, a natural component of my life, even more so now. No, it was more like.. It was as if my thoughts decided to stop being numb and assault me mindlessly, pulling me in directions I didn't know I was capable of going.

Maybe it was due to the fact that I've been constantly told that I'm almost an adult, almost there, almost joining the terrifying world of adulthood. But funny thing was, I've been told this ever since I hit puberty. So does that mean the effect's gone? The so-called excitement and exhilaration of being called an adult, has it faded away?

Of course not. I'm not an idiot.

Just because I'm not working yet doesn't mean my innocence, my ignorance wasn't robbed long, long ago. Heck, I actually DID work before this. And no, it wasn't a family business whatever.

Where was I?

Ah. Being reminded of my entrance into adulthood constantly. Pretty soon, I'll be walking through those gates that so many have walked through, and wonder how far I'll go, how much I'll be able to handle, how deep I'll be strong enough to unearth.

And I wonder again, how much different it will look like seeing things from the other side of the wall.


I remember selling my extra stationery as a kid, just to earn some money to buy the food from the school canteen, so I had to take care of my only two pencils and one eraser and ruler and not lose them if I didn't want to risk my mother's wrath. And then I sold food with little toys in it as I grew older and met those who missed their childhood almost as much as I did and earned some more money. I remember feeling independent and proud, because then I wasn't troubling anyone. I was naive in thinking I'd help everyone, and to an extent, I did. But maybe, maybe I was the one who chipped away some more of that innocence that was hardly me.


And soon, pretty soon, I'll be let loose on the roads. More responsibilities. More expectations. More failures. More successes. Everything doubles, triples in size.

The mantle that I bear grows heavier with each passing day, and only through His grace that the yoke is bearable enough for me to go through today, tomorrow, another day. I'm not Supergirl. I've no cape, and kryptonite does nothing to me, but so many things less powerful brings me to my knees.

I can't be anyone's saviour. I'm not strong enough. I'm not kind enough. I'm not brave enough. I'm not selfless enough.

Let Someone else play the hero of the story.

It is POSSIBLE! =D

As a tribute to our dear own Sammy Slick, I have finally mustered the effort (not that it required much) to find out HOW on earth do you exactly change a blog address and.. 

Voilà!

New blog address! And yes, I Googled the word to get the exact spelling. I'm paranoid like that. =D


Anyways! Exams have been ruling my life; not really, but yeah. Been having exams since last week, actually, and I only have Math Mocks before the real thing overwhelms me (again, not really) in.. GASP! Two weeks! =O


Owh dear. No, I did not consume any Coke, you stereotypical people. Please. As if I need a fizzy drink to get high. Or fart. HEHE.


Nah. I just did 4 essays today, and the equivalent of 10 pages. Would have probably done more, except that I keep running out of ideas by the time I hit the 2-page mark when there's about 45 minutes left to go, and I meant that when I'd already finished both questions. Sighs. Sucks being a fast writer, sometimes. Especially when you've been staring at the words for the past 10 minutes and there's still about half an hour to go while everyone's frantically adding more points, scribbling more words and generally panicking about their answers. Sighs. I feel like such a dude sometimes.


Had Socio first of all, last Wednesday, and a bombshell was dropped onto our laps as we crammed Durkheim's theories and Ann Oakley's many feminist views into our heads, announcing our paper 2, which was previously supposed to be yesterday, was moved to the day after our first paper. Sighs. Poor us.


Oh, did I mention we had to write 2 essays for the first paper and 2 data responses for the second one? Yeah, fun that.


But I'd rather go through all that than Math this Monday though. Heh. Yes, my utter dislike for the subject is certainly palpable enough for you to notice. Thank you for sniggering.

ANYWAYS.

Thank God for Korean songs. At least I can't exactly sing along to them while I'm cramming for my exams. Yet. D= Although Brian Joo's cover of Jason Derulo's In My Head was playing nearly the whole time during Lit...




Ah well. I shall go off now and do other stuff more worthwhile than talking about exams and whatnot.

Open Wounds

A/N: So, I've come up with something angst-filled again. Thank the dear monthly friend for that. And several other factors, but oh well. It's been a while since I wrote something this.. Dark? Emotional? So it was slightly unsettling, which was unnerving in itself. You could say it's practice for EAS, but yes. Hehe. Lemme know what you think, assuming you didn't suffocate yourself from depression after reading this. =P


Disclaimer: As always, mine. Somewhat inspired by Open Wounds, which isn't mine but Skillet's. Other than that, mine. Anyone/thing even attempting to steal or borrow without my permission will suffer from the evisceration of their most prized parts.

            It’s your breathing that captures your attention first. Ragged, struggling for calm; each intake of breath is longer, more drawn out than the last, a desperate undertone beneath each of them, stronger every time. You dislike it, dislike how little control you have over yourself. Too inconsistent, too unpredictable. Too weak for you.

            Your eyes stare before you, not taking in anything, beyond caring of your surroundings. They’re lighter than mud, but they’re still slightly murky, marred in imperfection and they don’t dart left and right; you don’t let them. You don’t like what little control you have, how much you struggle against showing panic, showing disagreement; showing resentment.

            Mouth set in a line, face expressionless except for a small, fake grimace that barely passes off as a smile, you walk amongst them seemingly without intention; yet your purpose is clear in your mind. Don’t break. Don’t you dare bloody break.

            Their voices, you know it’s not in your head. They’re real, and you detest its reality. You don’t hate the voices themselves; you can’t. You’re not allowed to, and you won’t cross the limits because your own conscience won’t let you, flawed as it is. The droning, the high-pitched squeals and the unwomanly guffaws envelope you, encasing you in a bind you’re unable to, desperate to escape.

            Your body sags, exhausted at the façade you keep up, drained from the emotions you bottle. It’s unhealthy, they say, but they’re not you, are they? They don’t walk in your cheap, knock-off shoes, they don’t face the lies, the delicate layers upon the truth, hear those voices again and again. They’re not breathing hard like you are, their eyes aren’t dilated with the effort to look and not stare instead, nor are their hands jerky, constraining themselves from clenching them into cold fists.

            Fury and despise are your foremost emotions; calm and terrifying, threatening to take over you, control you, own you. Deprived of your desire and wants, your self-destruction is close, too close. It’s them who instilled these emotions, the owners of those slightly familiar, happy, taunting voices. They who slash at you and leave the wounds open, bleeding, yet invisible to their own eyes. Perhaps they aren’t aware of it, but they’re not you, are they?

            You detest the pain constricting your heart, even more hurtful than those unseen wounds. It squeezes, tighter as you gasp for more air; it feeds on your desperation, your fear and want of the vague familiar fading into a stranger before you.

            Revelation slaps you soundly in the face as you realize just how much you want the vaguely familiar to disappear completely. You need them to become strangers, to look at you without any ounce of recognition, because it’s that close, isn’t it? It doesn’t matter which one’s thicker; there’s always something better. That’s what everyone says, right? That’s what the world, the cruel, sick world whispers into every unwilling ear.

            At last you’re granted the key out of the bind they keep you in; but you realize there is more than one lock on it, and the key only fits in one. Your mind screams in frustration and agony even as the grip around you is loosened, even as the key is grabbed from you and you’re as helpless as you were before. Even an animal in a cage is able to prowl around in it, while the most you could do is take large a lungful of air every now and then, careful not to overdo it.

            All you ever wanted to do was run away, but nothing’s ever easy, is it?   

A/N: So.. Not depressed yet? If so, comments are welcome. =)